My Journey of Motherhood

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The concept of love was very nebulous to me. I used to wonder how someone can love a person unconditionally throughout her entire life without any expectation and always thought at one point this feeling is bound to fall in a pit. The wheel of time adds dimension in my life, thinking process but the doubt always lurking behind my mind that if I am capable to love somebody like nothing else.

I met Foysal, we fell in love and married after 6 years of dating. I did my master’s after my marriage and pocketed a fine job in a renowned research organization in Bangladesh. Just after joining, I found out there was someone inside me. A body inside my body, waiting to be evolved, thrived and coming out. I would not use the word ‘accident’ but ‘unexpected’. There was fear, lack of self-confidence, and uncertainty. I was wishing for a settlement first before starting a family in full swing as Foysal was residing in another place for his job purpose.

That year Ramadan came just after I received my news of confirmed pregnancy and so did my morning sickness. I could not eat, I could not fast. I puked every now and then in the office, on the road. After an hour or sometimes two of shaky rickshaw ride or bus, I ran to home pounding on the door so that I would not puke outside. Those days were crazy. I was fragile but adamant not to accept this. My work was my priority as the ever-crumbling job market is not a blessing and I was so proud to bag such a good one in no time just after my graduation. So, this unexpected pregnancy put a lot of burdens where I always was a timid low self-esteem girl.

On my 8th week of pregnancy, I offed to the office by bus. Foysal was at my place at that time. After reaching the office I went to the washroom and on my way, I feel like something is wet in my underwear. It jerked me to the core and upon checking I had seen little droplets of blood. You will find it astonishing that how the sight of blood can turn your world upside down when as a girl you are used to seeing it every month in the same place and find it somewhat a confirmation of your sound health. I was calling Foysal, my parents but nobody was picking up my call and my mom called me back after 15 minutes or so when I was at the edge of a meltdown. The first thing she told me that something bad might happened and started asking me about the color of the blood, if there was any clot if I was feeling any pain and thousands of other questions. In movies we see scenes when everything becomes blurry and hear a sting sound to represent numbness, believe me, I did experience that at that time.

Ammu & Foysal rushed to my office, meanwhile, my supervisor and colleague came to know, and they sat me down. I will forever grateful to my supervisor. She tried so hard to calm my nerve and told me how she fell from a vehicle when she was in her full term and yet her baby was fine.  She helped me open the window and see the beauty of being pregnant for the first time with sharing her experiences. The rest of the day is still very blurry to me. I just remember to go to the hospital and crying silently while the doctor in the ultrasonography dept was wondering why my in-charge doc sent me to do one as I already had one two weeks back. My throat and my heart both felt like sitting in a freezer and I could not even tell her what happened or ask if my baby is alright. She guessed something from my tear-stricken face and told me ‘Your baby is alright; I can see it. Do you want to see?’. I could not say ‘Yes’.  I was numb but my numbness was busy thanking the almighty.

It’s been two and a half years. From that fickle confident girl, I have come a small yet wide way which is only possible because I learn to embrace my motherhood. There are days of postnatal depression that still clings me from dawn to dusk; dreams call from far hilltop and I see them as crushed glasses but the little soul who is busy with her dolls sitting at my feet holds her head high and gives me a smile. A smile worth of thousand dreams, a smile that encourages me to reach that peak of the hill taking her on my shoulder and catch my dreams again to make them true.

Return to my doubt of loving someone unconditionally for life, I will tell you that those droplets of blood made me clear out it in a blink. Those blackish-red blood drops told me that I can love someone who is not even formed fully inside me, who does not have a body yet and a mind to love me back but I love her. I love her and I will love her till my body becomes dust or even after.

To all the beautiful mothers out there. You are the purest symbol of love which makes you stronger than any human being. Do not ever let someone make you feel low because of the vulnerability you have due to your childbirth. You are stronger than Hera, prettier than Aphrodite. You are more than a body that can have a life inside and push it out in time. You are a mother, a superhero without a cape!    

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